A New Beginning

Ok. I start college in a couple of days and I'm nervous as hell. Not really worried about being away from home…Not really worried about meeting new people but I'm worried about the fact that this is supposed to be the greatest time of my life- college. Like does everything just get worse? Anyway I don't want to buy a journal so I'll just use this and post as much as I'd like.

Relinquished

My whole life I've struggled with my weight. Most of my life I was always the biggest among my peers and for a long time I weighed more than my brother which embarrassed me. Fast forward to eighth grade, I went on a "fitness kick." Years later I realize that this fitness kick wasn't a fitness kick but an eating disorder. I restricted calories WAY below what was healthy. I remember the days I'd rejoice in eating below 800 calories in a day. Yup, I was 13 years old and I lost about 18 pounds within 5 weeks. Now you may say "well that's not bad," but I was still growing and exercising excessively and skipped lunch completely. I still remember seeing my friends eat lunch in the cafeteria and they'd ask me if I had brought my lunch. "Nah, I'm not hungry, anyway." was my go to excuse and for lunch i'd have a bottle of water. Obviously my body couldn't handle my "fitness kick," and my binge eating began. I still remember the first instance: I hid and ate about 5 large packs of Welchs gummies. I was stuffed but I needed to eat and I didn't know why. Months go on and I gained about 15 pounds. When spring of my 8th grade hit, my binge eating disorder was at its peak. I still remember eating 5 angus burgers continuously and guess where I went right after my binge? Straight to my parents bathroom to weigh myself. Summer only got worse and by freshman year I put on 28 pounds. During my freshman year in high school I became depressed and my binge eating got worse. Food became comfort to me. I still remember getting on the scale and crying after seeing how much I weighed. So then the emotionally eating began…I would eat a tub of ice cream in one sitting, then weigh myself immediately. I struggled with BED for a long time and I honestly don't think my family knows.

Years have passed and I'm really trying to find a healthy way to eat. I've done my research and I don't plan on going back to how I used to be!