Relinquished

My whole life I've struggled with my weight. Most of my life I was always the biggest among my peers and for a long time I weighed more than my brother which embarrassed me. Fast forward to eighth grade, I went on a "fitness kick." Years later I realize that this fitness kick wasn't a fitness kick but an eating disorder. I restricted calories WAY below what was healthy. I remember the days I'd rejoice in eating below 800 calories in a day. Yup, I was 13 years old and I lost about 18 pounds within 5 weeks. Now you may say "well that's not bad," but I was still growing and exercising excessively and skipped lunch completely. I still remember seeing my friends eat lunch in the cafeteria and they'd ask me if I had brought my lunch. "Nah, I'm not hungry, anyway." was my go to excuse and for lunch i'd have a bottle of water. Obviously my body couldn't handle my "fitness kick," and my binge eating began. I still remember the first instance: I hid and ate about 5 large packs of Welchs gummies. I was stuffed but I needed to eat and I didn't know why. Months go on and I gained about 15 pounds. When spring of my 8th grade hit, my binge eating disorder was at its peak. I still remember eating 5 angus burgers continuously and guess where I went right after my binge? Straight to my parents bathroom to weigh myself. Summer only got worse and by freshman year I put on 28 pounds. During my freshman year in high school I became depressed and my binge eating got worse. Food became comfort to me. I still remember getting on the scale and crying after seeing how much I weighed. So then the emotionally eating began…I would eat a tub of ice cream in one sitting, then weigh myself immediately. I struggled with BED for a long time and I honestly don't think my family knows.

Years have passed and I'm really trying to find a healthy way to eat. I've done my research and I don't plan on going back to how I used to be!