A New Beginning

Ok. I start college in a couple of days and I'm nervous as hell. Not really worried about being away from home…Not really worried about meeting new people but I'm worried about the fact that this is supposed to be the greatest time of my life- college. Like does everything just get worse? Anyway I don't want to buy a journal so I'll just use this and post as much as I'd like.

Relinquished

My whole life I've struggled with my weight. Most of my life I was always the biggest among my peers and for a long time I weighed more than my brother which embarrassed me. Fast forward to eighth grade, I went on a "fitness kick." Years later I realize that this fitness kick wasn't a fitness kick but an eating disorder. I restricted calories WAY below what was healthy. I remember the days I'd rejoice in eating below 800 calories in a day. Yup, I was 13 years old and I lost about 18 pounds within 5 weeks. Now you may say "well that's not bad," but I was still growing and exercising excessively and skipped lunch completely. I still remember seeing my friends eat lunch in the cafeteria and they'd ask me if I had brought my lunch. "Nah, I'm not hungry, anyway." was my go to excuse and for lunch i'd have a bottle of water. Obviously my body couldn't handle my "fitness kick," and my binge eating began. I still remember the first instance: I hid and ate about 5 large packs of Welchs gummies. I was stuffed but I needed to eat and I didn't know why. Months go on and I gained about 15 pounds. When spring of my 8th grade hit, my binge eating disorder was at its peak. I still remember eating 5 angus burgers continuously and guess where I went right after my binge? Straight to my parents bathroom to weigh myself. Summer only got worse and by freshman year I put on 28 pounds. During my freshman year in high school I became depressed and my binge eating got worse. Food became comfort to me. I still remember getting on the scale and crying after seeing how much I weighed. So then the emotionally eating began…I would eat a tub of ice cream in one sitting, then weigh myself immediately. I struggled with BED for a long time and I honestly don't think my family knows.

Years have passed and I'm really trying to find a healthy way to eat. I've done my research and I don't plan on going back to how I used to be!

LaZy

It's been about one year since I've posted and I haven't completed any of my goals. I am lazy. I am lazy. I am LaZy. I think I'll actually start working hard now. I really want to take some acting classes and get in shape. I think I can do it. Action!

Disconnect

Okay so I'm trying this new thing out where I stop using my main social media accounts. HA. Well mainly twitter, because I need Instagram to my fitness motivation and Tumblr bc I need to see all kinds of fashion. I'm trying to shoot for 4 months but thats probably me just going try hard for no reason. I'm just going to use this blog instead.

Health

      Sooo I went to the doctor today, very exciting. Turns out I don't have an infected spleen but acid reflux-self diagnosis is the number one killer. I have to give up all the foods I like- you know, the good stuff. But I guess my health is most important.
One thing I hate about going to the doctor is getting weighed. It's actually so funny (well to me it is); I am so unhealthy right now. Everyday I say I'm going to exercise or eat healthy. LOL yeah right. Well now I kind of have to. *Insert the waterworks.* "some famous workout program," here I come. I swear. I'll try and complete one to get back in to shape like the good ol' days. Oh yeah, I'm swooning over them. Ugh, how long does it take to get in shape?

     Going off topic now, I"m sleepy now: 11:11 P.M with no wish on my mind, or so I say. Goodnight or goodmorning to whoever is reading this. Sorry if I waste your time. Ooops. Not my fault, anyway.

Me

I'm not even going to bother wasting my time talking about how smart I am or if I'm the most beautiful person in the world. I'm just a weird chick making some blogs. it's funny because most people would assume I am insulting myself by calling myself weird and I find that extremely sad. Why would I waste my life trying to be some mundane person. Nahh I'll pass on that. Being weird is great; spontaneity is wonderful. I'm me.

How am I seen by my peers?
I do care how they see me to a certain extent, to be honest. Less than 2 years, then I'm out of school, yet the 10 year reunion is down the line and I'd rather someone not hate me for something I purposefully did to them. I keep getting side tracked so bear with me. My peers probably think I'm *undefined*. Honestly, I'm not the most attractive person out there and am probably low-key seen only as the girl that's funny, but I am okay with that. I still like myself. This really kills me, I laugh so hard at this- because of how I act some people think I'm some weird ass person who laughs at anything. I do laugh at a lot of stuff and  I am playful a lot, not even going to lie, but I am serious when time calls for it. Someone had the audacity to ask me if I laughed at someone who was seriously injured. Cmon now, I'm not some sociopath. This post doesn't even make sense, but whatever.

Anyway, back to my thoughts. I'm a fond believer in following your dreams, whether it be going to a certain college or going to the NBA or whatever. So many people go around just go around killing other people's dreams with their poisonous tongue . Damnit just cheer them on whether you believe in them or not, they could really use a boost. I also have a problem with people who take life too seriously. I don't want to be 80 years old and wish I spent more time having fun. Everything would still work out for the best, right? Live a little, and eat that dessert that you've been eyeing all day or go skydiving or go bungee jumping with your best friend. Live life with memories. You may die whenever but you are lucky when someone spreads the memory of you through the good times you've shared.

who am I?

"Who are you?"- I am a human. "No, who are you?" - I am me. "No, I mean who are you?" - I can't answer that statement in with one flat answer.

With these blogs I sound so cheesy, I'm not even like this in real life 😂😂. Anyway to answer this question I guess I'll just say the answers to these question are laden in my past and soon-to-be posts. I guess I should start making a blog more than once every two weeks. I want to look back on this and laugh hard about how I sound right. I sound like some corny person. My apologies. As far as formality goes, I am leaving it at this post so excuse my slang or harshness (if any is present)